How not to bathe a cat

Our pets stay in the house, with the exception of the dog who has a pen in the back yard that she gets recess in during some afternoons.  Since our pets time outside of the house is very limited we’ve never had an issue with fleas, until this past weekend.  Somehow fleas have made it into our house.  This caused my bride to panic and rush me into action.  The dog, no problem at all, a quick bath, some flea drops, she’s on her way.  Our cats on the other hand…  

We were worried our neighbors were going to call the cops on us.  

My bride scoops up one the cats like a hero and proclaims that he needs to be bathed in flea shampoo.  She bravely takes our sweet little fuzz ball and places him in the sink.  What happened next, let’s just say there was a lot of screaming and a grey and white streak of lightning.  

Well, we can all see that bathing the cat has gone real well.  Now since my bride has failed she has handed the baton to me.  I grasp our slightly damp kitty and easily place him back into the sink.  I ease on the water, and start to wet his fur.  At this point I’m trying to hold a greased snake and not get bitten by it.  You would not believe the noises a cat will make when you’re trying to bathe it.  And the noises don’t stop, this is why we were worried about the law dogs being called on us.  The cat is screaming, which sets another cat in the house into a frenzy.  So now I have a screaming cat getting bathed, and a growling/hissing/meowing cat that has no idea why he’s so upset.  

Then the dog joins in, she wants to see what’s going on.  Growling/hissing/meowing cat doesn’t like happy dog at this point.  Now growling/hissing/meowing cat and previously happy dog are rolling around the floor in a WWE grudge match.  

At this point, I’ve lost my bride.  She’s scared of the fighting pets, scared of the screaming cat half wet in the sink, and laughing uncontrollably at the entire situation.  

Time for me to take control of the situation.  WWE pets roll my way, I gently separate them with my right foot and send them on their ways.  Screaming half wet cat sees this as his chance to make a run for it, he pops out of my grasp and leaps towards freedom. Quickly I turn my attention back to screaming damp cat snag him by his hind legs before freedom was obtained.  In a stern, but very loving voice I ask for some assistance from laughing bride and the shampoo for screaming now fully wet cat.  Laughing bride pours shampoo onto screaming cat, soaked Cas gently lathers the shampoo.  Laughing bride disappears, saying something about “I’m about to pee on myself”.  Soaked Cas is now left holding soapy screaming cat, growling/hissing/meowing cat has now returned to the party, happy dog has wondered off to find food.

Having rinsed off screaming cat I realize that in our haste we didn’t provide a towel to dry screaming cat.  Soaked Cas yells to Peeing bride to bring towel.  Towel is supplied, Screaming cat is clawing and biting white towel.  White towel is turning into red spotted towel.  Bleeding soaked Cas pats screaming wet cat with red spotted white towel as best as he can and releases screaming wet cat.  Screaming wet cat runs and hides, soaked bleeding Cas goes in search of medical supplies, growling/hissing/meowing cat is pacing circles in the kitchen, happy dog is still eating, laughing bride is still laughing.  Screaming now dry cat will still have nothing to do with me and hides as soon as I walk in the door.  

Most of the fleas are now under control.   I hope to never have to go through this again.