Tuesday, December 1, 2009

National Crisis

Everyone’s, everyone’s, everyooonnee’s! We have a state of emergency, a national Crisis! A code red, grab the women and children and cast off the life boats for the British are coming! (That’s what she said) During my most recent visit to the Subway I discovered that there must be a shortage of napkins. How else can you explain them only providing me with one single napkin after I added Mayo, spicy mustard, oil and vinegar to my sandwich? They must have known, with their vast knowledge of sandwiches after graduation from sandwich academy, that the master piece of a sandwich that was just created by me with all those condiments will cause a mighty mess. A mess worthy of more than just one single 5 X 5 square napkin. My now juicy, meat slip and slide of a sandwich merits 4 napkins AT THE LEAST! There is no one napkin, no matter how tough and sexy the brawny man may think he is, that can hold up against a Cas Smith Special Sandwich at the Subway. My sandwich was a train wreck on icy roads, olives, onions and meat were exploding not only in my mouth, but all over the table, the floor, and in my pants. And yet with all this carnage Subway thinks this natural disaster can be mopped up with one single, finely printed, Subway napkin? I say nay-nay! Ladies and gentlemen, this poor little napkin that couldn’t was spent after just the second wipe of the mouth. It had nothing left to clean up the olive massacre and onion revolt that was left laying and bleeding on the table. After the third wipe of the oil and vinegar covered chin of this master sandwich creator, the carnage was only intensified, not rectified. I feel it is our duty to call in the Army, the Salvation Army no less, to set up bell ringers outside of all of our favorite Subways to ring their bells of freedom and raise awareness to plight of the poor lonely Subway napkin. In the immortal words of Randy Travis, “Friend of mine bought himself a shovel.” Vi vi la Resistance!

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